Thursday, August 7, 2008

finding Catherine

I seem to be less satisfied with life (as we know it; Jim). I have a burn to do more, be more, run faster, longer and stronger. I ache to paint. I will label this non-painting time my incubation period. At this time where I am minus a space to paint I will continue to study my painting books and absorb sights and sounds. I carry plural notebooks with me to scribble my idea's. One of my practical goals is to not become frustrated and angry with myself for the lack of opportunity to paint. My family are just at the 'phase' where they need my time and energy resources. I need to be happy complying.

Or do I?

I believe if I am not physically painting; I am not a painter. I think about it alot. And thats where the beginnings of frustration lie. If only I could stop. If I could be in the 'now' -content with, and being my best with what life is for me-now.

But life is short.

I have been organising their lives and thus mine. Their five daily schedules are written on our family blackboard, (the laundry doors are a painted blackboard). I organise the weekly evening meals on each Sunday and those also are written on the blackboard, in a neat little grid. This week, I baked them Fougasse, and bacon and egg pie (organic) for snacks. I will be baking biscuits for school lunches this afternoon. I have decreed "No T.V or computer time", till music practice is done each night, (written on blackboard). I have been trying really hard to practice patience and loving-kindness.

I have been running, eating well (this week) and have done my les mills balance class. I am looking after myself, I know this is important-for me and my family.

But I still feel there is something missing.

I am meditating, mostly getting up early to do so. I am ruminating on what it means to me to be spiritual. I understand the import of finding the spiritual and I think it is a continual search and acceptance of 'what is'. It is found in simply -being.


  1. I think what you are doing is fantastic! And very Zen, to incubate, to gather yourself and learn patience and gather yourself, for when the time comes, itwill be the right time to spill allyou have been gathering.Sometimes itis good to slow ourselvesdown and pause the outlets, to get atrue sense of where we're coming from and where we aregoing to choose to go. Well done