Wednesday, August 27, 2008

blowing the raw food diet, Izzy reads Baxter.

I STILL have not a camera. If I had a camera, there would be a large bright image of last nights dinner - the colours were glorious. Imagine; colours of grated beet with carrot (madder rouge &rouge de cadmium clair in my paint box) piled next to pilaf the colour of turmeric- interspersed with pistachio (hints of bright green). To make the colours even more astounding, I had made a chickpea-pumpkin (mustard with bright yellow) salad with a sun dried tomato dressing. This was laced with freshly torn coriander. My raw food diet 'suffered' a little. The 'cooked' looked so inviting with the 'raw'-I ate the lot.
I ate too much.
The kids didn't seem to appreciate the colours as much as I, sort of 'ho-humming' my exuberance. All they wanted to do was eat I guess.

I discovered Baxter. James K Baxter. What a poet! I occasionally read poetry to the kids at meal times-just to add to the fun of it all. I have read Hone Tuwhare and Jenny Bornholdt to them. They seem to appreciate it and they make up poems for me.
So, last night it was J K Baxter's turn. Izzy read out this poem in her wee seven year old voice, (she chose it):
The Lion Skin
The old man with a yellow flower on his coat
came to my office, climbing twenty-eight steps,
With a strong smell of death about his person ("Yucky!")
From the caves of the underworld.
The receptionist was troubled by his breath
Understandably.
Not every morning tea break (The other kids started leaving the table about here, but Izzy was resiliant and kept reading...these 'hard words')
Does Baron Saturday visit his parishioners
Walking stiffly, strutting almost, ("whats a baron?")
With a cigar in his teeth-she might have remembered (ooooo..smokings bad mum..)
Lying away as if nailed by a spear
Two nights ago, with the void of her life
Glassed in a dark window-but suitably enough (Izzy starts mumbling-clearly bored but happy to please me..)
She preferred to forget it.
I welcomed him
And poured him a glass of cherry brandy,
Talked with him for half an hour or so,
Having need of his strength, the skin of a dead lion,
In the town whose ladders are made of coffin wood.

The flower on his coat blazed like a dark sun. ("can I have a banana?")
(1965)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Broken camera, feel good run, a sufi poem.

The camera is broken. It will cost $145 -straight up- just to get it sent away to be examined. The guy said digital cameras usually cost an average of $320 to repair. Our camera looks like it has been thrown around a bit..(kids use it, I will blame them), so I figured it's not worth the money as to get a new one of the same will cost $400ish. Damn! Now we need a new camera.
Today Rose and Izzy are home. They are not sick-sick. They are in recovery. I juiced beetroot, carrot and apple and made them drink a glass each. I have been giving them vitamin C and making them wear hats. (I am such a Mother. I smile to myself wryly...).
Harry and I went for a run on Wednesday night. He ran the entire 4 kilometers. I am grateful Harry seems to be taking health and fitness 'on board' and I'm happy he wants to run with me. (What a great boy! What a lovely Son I am blessed with!).
I left him at our stairs and I continued on for another 5k. The run felt the best it has for a while. I think the 80/20 raw food is making a huge difference to my energy levels and physical being. (I 'be' better!.)
Last night I did not run because I had to take Harry to his Intermediate School open evening. Except we arrived and the school was enveloped in darkness. The only traffic around were cars leaving. So Harry missed out 'cos I got it wrong!! I don't often get dates mixed up. He wasn't too upset, Drew keeps him up to date with what happens at the school anyway.
In trying to be conscious of my reactions to my children and the reasons behind those reactions, I am finding out more about them as the individuals they are. It is an interesting process. I feel I am more kind to them and myself. I am growing as a person, as a parent.

Rumi: say I am You (a sufi poem)

I am dust particles in
sunlight
I am the round sun
To the bits of dust
I say "stay"
To the sun
"keep moving"
I am the morning mist
and the breathing of
evening
I am wind in the
top of a grove
and surf on the cliff
Mast....rudder
helmsman and keel
I am the coral reef they
founder on
I am a tree
with a trained parrot
on its branches
silence
thought
and voice
The musical air
coming through a
flute
a spark of stone
a flickering in metals
both candle and
the moth crazy around
it
Rose
and the nightingale
lost in fragrance
I am all orders of
being
The circling galaxy
The evolutionary
intelligence
The lift
and the falling away
What is
and what isn't
you who know Jelludalim
you the one in all
say whom I am
say I am you

Monday, August 18, 2008

...selfish Mother, good Mother...it's all in a day...


Today Rose is at home with some sort of sinus infection due to bad hay fever. I, selfishly, had been running around organising the other kids to school, dressing Paloma for creche, cleaning the breakfast dishes- all so I could get to the gym for my workout!. I had phoned the school to let them know Rose would not be coming in. I was going to go to gym, put Paloma in the creche and buy Rose a hot choc and cake while she waited for me at the gym cafe - that was the plan anyway. I finally slowed down a bit to notice that poor Rose was wilting even though professing to wanting to go out. I realised she was just saying that to please me-she could see I wanted to go out. I had a stab of mother-guilt and taking her shoes off, (we were all ready to walk out of the door), I told her we were to stay at home. Her face sort of melted with relief as I cosied her up on the couch with blankets and pillows. She fell asleep.

My kids teach me how to be a 'good' Mother.

Friday, August 15, 2008

wedding, raw food and rabbit in sauce

The wedding venue is confirmed and paid for so...thats it folks! We are being married on October the 12th. Phew! Thats off my mind. Now all I need to organise is the music, my dress, the girls dresses and kilts for Harry and Deane. Oh yeah...and the celebrant. Haha.
My raw food way-of-life is going well. A few nights ago I had a cooked vegan meal. It was really lovely and did not affect me in any noticeable way. I am eating about eighty percent raw. My need for coffee seems to be turning into just a 'want'.
Paloma wasn't well enough to go to creche or kindergarten. I took her to the Doctors on Monday morning resulting in the diagnoses of a strep throat. Poor baby! She mooched at home for three days, drinking her medicine, watching t.v, having cuddles and sleeping. Izzy joined her on the second day complaining of a sore throat. I think Izzy was faking it though.
This of course meant I did not get to the gym or go running during the day for three days.
Yesterday Paloma was well enough so I took her to creche, I went to the gym and did a good weights workout. Then she galloped into kindergarten, (she likes to think she is a horse) and I went home. I didn't go for a run. I made tea for the family. Drew had chosen the evenings dinner. It was rabbit cooked in a white wine sauce with green olives and fresh herbs. It sort of made me sick to cook it and I never will again.
After, I collected Paloma from kindergarten, the kids arrived home from school, well only one arrived. Harry phoned to say he was at a friends and would be home at five. Izzy was playing hockey at the sports center, (I had to collect her later) and Drew was at the library with her friends, (she rushed in the door at 5.20pm apologizing for being late. She had joined a book club that is run by the library every second Thursday so she was at their first club meeting. She is such a blessing.) Rose ran out the door for her hockey practice so for a wee while it was just the three year old and me again.
Anyhow, as far as rabbit for tea went...Drew devoured it but said she felt weird eating a 'bunny'. Harry stated he was vegetarian so he stuck with potato mashed with walnut oil and a big salad. Izzy declared she was also vegetarian and ditto. Rose decided she wasn't that hungry and Paloma ate the 'chicken'.
Once the dishes were done, most of the kids in bed, and Deane was home-I went for a run. It was an okay run, nothing to write about. I was just happy to be out.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

finding nemo...

This weekend, began on Friday early evening with the arrival of our babysitter. I convinced Deane that going for a run before going to the movies would be a good idea. With a reasonable amount (on his part) of cringing and statements regarding the weather, he complied. So we headed out into the hail, wind, in the dark of night and went for a 45 minute run. Deane did not complain too much, and when he did I explained exactly how much he would thank me for it when the run was over. The run did end and he did thank me. We dressed, still sweaty, and carefully made our way back down the slippery stairs.
The Dark Knight, I enjoyed! All though, I wont be letting my younger kids watch it. I always appreciate a good batman, spider man, or who-ever the classic superhero is- movie.
I had avocado sushi with a fresh dairy free smoothie chaser for tea. It felt light and right.

On Saturday after the girls hockey games, (the soccer games cancelled once again due to council grounds that have turned to cesspools), the babysitter arrived again. Deane's legs or hips were feeling a bit too sore to go for another run so we took the three oldest kids to Freyberg pool.
The kids did not need supervision which left us free to swim laps. It is the first time for about one year or maybe more that I have been in a pool. I had an entire lane to myself and swam for about one hour. It felt really good to stretch out. I did about ten of the laps using only the kick board and the rest I did freestyle. I must, nay! I am determined to swim at least twice per week. I need to get some serious scheduling into my life.
Saturday evening came and two friends picked us up, (yes another babysitter) and spirited us away see Mama Mia (again) at the empire movie center in Island Bay. Love it! The big couch-chairs, which two people fit into with lots of butt, and leg room. Love being able to take in wine, glasses food cups of tea. Deane enjoyed the movie and I was trying to talk him into buying a glitter suit. I don't think he will. Its worth a try.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

finding Catherine


I seem to be less satisfied with life (as we know it; Jim). I have a burn to do more, be more, run faster, longer and stronger. I ache to paint. I will label this non-painting time my incubation period. At this time where I am minus a space to paint I will continue to study my painting books and absorb sights and sounds. I carry plural notebooks with me to scribble my idea's. One of my practical goals is to not become frustrated and angry with myself for the lack of opportunity to paint. My family are just at the 'phase' where they need my time and energy resources. I need to be happy complying.

Or do I?

I believe if I am not physically painting; I am not a painter. I think about it alot. And thats where the beginnings of frustration lie. If only I could stop. If I could be in the 'now' -content with, and being my best with what life is for me-now.

But life is short.

I have been organising their lives and thus mine. Their five daily schedules are written on our family blackboard, (the laundry doors are a painted blackboard). I organise the weekly evening meals on each Sunday and those also are written on the blackboard, in a neat little grid. This week, I baked them Fougasse, and bacon and egg pie (organic) for snacks. I will be baking biscuits for school lunches this afternoon. I have decreed "No T.V or computer time", till music practice is done each night, (written on blackboard). I have been trying really hard to practice patience and loving-kindness.

I have been running, eating well (this week) and have done my les mills balance class. I am looking after myself, I know this is important-for me and my family.

But I still feel there is something missing.

I am meditating, mostly getting up early to do so. I am ruminating on what it means to me to be spiritual. I understand the import of finding the spiritual and I think it is a continual search and acceptance of 'what is'. It is found in simply -being.